The Pain. It was always there. Always lingers. Latching onto her soul like a leech. The other children didn’t appear affected by this unseen monster. They laughed, smiled, ate their fill, oblivious to any inner turmoil.

Mari sat alone at the table in the Great Hall, idly picking at her plate of greens. She could not remember life without the Pain inside of her. If she dared mention this to one of the Professors, they would suggest she recite a prayer of Salvation. That, unfortunately, had never brought her anywhere, and she dared not mention it to them. For they would tell her if the Pain was still there after the prayer, it meant there was something wrong with the way she prayed it, and it was evident that she had not fully surrendered her life to the Light. For the Light would never refuse a genuine heart. If the Pain was not removed, it meant she was holding back a part of herself. Though what Mari was holding back, she never could tell. Yet she knew that those who still carried their burdens and marks of darkness, whether hidden or not, were often tormented until they came to repentance of their vile nature.

This was the Way. This is what the Academy taught, and they were never wrong.

Mari continued to pick at her food when a boy with a mop of blond hair and a silly grin plopped down on the bench across from her. Her shoulders hunched forward, and she aggressively stared down at her plate. This boy was one of the new transfers, from an outstanding family, apparently. She could tell. Even after being here a short time, he seemed to be settling in with the other students and was thriving in their daily education. To be fair, the boy was already among the Chosen, secure in his fate in the afterlife, a favorite among the Professors, so it would be easy to get along with everyone.

The boy leaned forward, not seeming to get the hint that Mari did not want to talk with him. “Name’s Leeland.”

“Mari,” she mumbled, scraping her plate, wishing he would leave.

“How’s it going?”

Mari wanted to tell him off, but that would be rude, and she’d receive some kind of demerit from the Professors for such undisciplined behaviour.

“You going to finish eating soon?” he asked with a pleasant tone. He pointed his finger way too close to her food for her liking.

Too bad there isn’t a demerit point for being too friendly. Mari grumbled to herself, then immediately regretted it as a wave of guilt flooded through her. The Light would never approve of such a thought. Students of the Academy should never think that way. It would be added to the list of things to be judged in the afterlife, even more so if you weren’t among the forgiven, the Chosen Ones.

“It would be a shame to waste that, you know,” Leeland said.

Mari forced herself to smile. Wasn’t planning to.

The boy grinned. She noticed a leather-bound Truthsay tucked under his arm. All the teachings of the Light were written in that one book. Mari hadn’t brought hers to the Hall. Her face flushed, and she wondered if she should have. Students who loved the Light always carried theirs around, even if it wasn’t required.

But I’m not Chosen.

She didn’t want to give the appearance that she was. Being a pretender in the Academy was frowned upon and severely punished if found out.

“The Confessor is coming today,” he announced, wiggling with uncontained excitement on the bench across from her.

He comes every week. Mari thought glumly, and it wasn’t something she was ever excited about. She shifted uncomfortably, hoping Leeland didn’t notice. Must be nice to not feel Pain when a sermon is preached.
The best Mari could hope for was that the Confessor preached some boring, long sermon she could tune out. A sermon that didn’t involve surrendering, death, and the afterlife. All the stuff they liked to put into one message to move the youth toward the Light…and Pain.

“He’s coming to check our souls,” Leeland continued, not noticing Mari’s growing discomfort. She had gotten good at hiding it by now. “How’s yours, Mari?”

She inwardly cringed, hating that question. The Pain blossomed upward, clawing inside and ripping her internally. Mari responded with an indifferent shrug as she forcefully continued to pick at her food and put some in her mouth. It tasted like sawdust. As it should, for someone like her.

Leeland seemed a little puzzled at her lack of enthusiasm, but kept going. “Think he’ll offer the Water Rite to us?”

He must not know my label yet, Mari thought tiredly. Only the Chosen had the privilege of the Water Rite. He probably assumes I am Chosen because I don’t sit with the Rebels. Not yet, anyway.

Mari shrugged, not offering that she would not be going through Water Rite because of the state of her soul. He would find out soon enough. The only thing that would be offered was the Abyss. Mari picked at a pea, splitting it in two, wondering if she could avoid the Confessor altogether.

Maybe I can say I’m sick.

Guilt thrust inside.

The righteous don’t lie. It accused. And you say you want to follow the Light?

The Light hated liars. How could she expect salvation when she ran from a Confessor? They were the ones who helped the lost and wayward souls. They helped purify the unclean. So why did it hurt so much every time she was forced to be beneath their counsel?

Because you’re wicked.

Mari’s vision blurred. She tried to hold the tears back so that Leeland wouldn’t notice and ask invasive questions. She longed to ask how Leeland came to know the Light, but she couldn’t bring herself to. It was simple. They said. Just surrender yourself. For if Mari really wanted the Light, she would have been delivered. The Light didn’t refuse those who came.

So they said.

“You don’t seem happy, Mari?” Leeland frowned, finally seeming to notice.

Mari shrugged again, “I’m not feeling that great, is all.”

Liar. Pain twisted inside. She wanted to throw up.

“Pity,” a stern man in dark green robes stopped by their table, one of her professors and soul-mentors.

Oh no. Mari shrank back, face flushing in shame. He’ll see right through me.

“Professor Junee!” Leeland exclaimed, turning to the older man, puffing up like a little peacock, straightening his shoulders and clutching his leather-bound Truthsay with pride.

The older man barely acknowledged Leeland as his gaze remained mainly on Mari. One hand was placed behind his back, observing her with a critical expression. “Do you need to see a doctor?”

He’ll know if I lie. Mari swallowed, shaking her head.

“Didn’t think so,” he sniffed. “Let me remind you, Mari, that students are required to attend the listening of the Confessor unless they have a serious reason not to. Do you have one?” Junee spoke with a scrutinizing stare.

She gulped and shook her head again.

“Good,” he nodded in satisfaction, but that underlying look of disapproval was still there. “I can’t imagine any good student of this Academy wanting to miss out.”

Leelnad glanced between Mari and the Professor, as if trying to understand why Junee was so stern.

“Of course, she’s coming,” Leeland said with enough excitement for the entire Hall. “She’ll sit with me.”

Mari’s shoulders slumped, wishing he hadn’t said that.

“She isn’t in that category,” Professor informed with a forced smile. “We can only hope you, Leeland, will continue to give Mari and all who refuse to believe a good example of true faith.”

Leeland’s eyes widened like round saucers, staring at Mari, then back at the Professor. “Ohhh.”

Well, that didn’t take long. Mari’s gaze was transfixed on her plate, losing the little appetite she had.

“Finish eating,” the Professor instructed. “And be ready to listen to today’s message with an open heart, Mari.”
He gave a placid smile, as if he knew she hadn’t wanted to hear or see the Confessor today. Of course, he knew. She probably was on one of their school lists of the unconverted, their list of the wayward souls that needed prayer, and since the Professor was her personal soul-mentor, Mari could only imagine how happy it would make him if she made some confession under this tutoring. Mari watched the Professor walk away with Leeland scrambling off his seat to follow, eagerly chattering the man’s ears off.

I could pretend to be Chosen.

But what would that do? She never wanted to be fake. Even if she could fool everyone, she knew the Light would not be fooled by her darkness. But this was her fault, anyway. Everything would be fixed if she just properly surrendered. The Confessor would surely just remind her of that today. Maybe this time she would better understand the message of Salvation, or perhaps she would be trapped in this Pain forever. The Light didn’t ignore those who truly cared, right? Maybe she’d never care enough.

<<<<<<0>>>>>>

The pews were filled with children of varying ages. The well-mannered and well-dressed sat in the center. They were the Chosen and blessed of the Light. Those who clearly rebelled, sat near the back, professors standing with watchful eyes to make sure they didn’t cause a ruckus. Swift punishment would come to the one who disturbed the message from a Confessor.

And then there were side-rows filled with the unrepentant fence-sitters. One of the worst categories to be in, Professor Junee had told her, because the lukewarm would be spat out when judgment day came.

This is where she sat. Her row was more sparsely filled. Most of the children here were well-dressed, like those of the center, but overall, there seemed to be a subdued and defeated look amongst them. She didn’t know their names and didn’t dare ask why they were here like her. It was humiliating enough to be placed here, knowing you were the subject of the teachers and confessors. Their hopes and prayers that you would one day bend the knee.

She glanced longingly at the rows filled with the Chosen. Mari knew all the words to say. She knew how to act. She knew how to dress. How to appease the adult world. But the Light would know her deception, and she didn’t want to displease Him.

But did the Light even want her?

Her daily prayers went unanswered. The always Pain continued, no matter how she begged. The empty vastness ate away at her insides.

“You need to surrender yourself fully,” the Confessor preached from the pulpit. A man in black robes and a white collar. A man who faithfully dedicated his life to the Way of Light. Godly. Revered. Messenger of Truth. To ignore him was to ignore the calling. To reject his teaching was to say you didn’t want eternal life. You wanted to serve the Way of Darkness.

“You are young now,” the Confessor continued, full of vigour as he pumped his hand in the air, then crooked a finger, seeming to stare directly at the fence-sitters, directly at her. “But one day you will stand before the Lightbringer, and you will pay for following your wicked heart.”

Mari’s insides twisted, wishing more than anything to leave the room. As she squirmed in her seat, she felt the eyes of someone upon her. Professor Junee was there, in the back of the room, watching with a hawk-like gaze, watching her face, watching her in Pain. Probably avidly praying for her Salvation.

“The longer you wait,” the Confessor squinted, “your heart will be hardened beyond repair.”

A wave of despair filled Mari. Beyond repair?

“How long do you think the Light will take rejection of your rebellious ways?” He wagged a finger, scowling at the congregation of children. Those in the center nodded in agreement, Leeland the most attentive of all.. Mari could feel her heart constricting. Misery flooding within. Pain throbbing more and more. “To continue to refuse the mercy of Light is to refuse the greatest gift.” The gaze of the Confessor burned. “Will you continue to refuse the Light?” His tone softened ever so slightly. “Just come forward, give your life to the One, and you’ll be set free. You’ll be released of the burdens you carry. You will experience joy like you never have before.” He stretched his arms wide open in invitation. “Just come.”

A girl sobbed to her left, and Mari watched as she rose from her seat and walked down the aisle toward the Confessor. A round of applause and cheers came from the center of the pews. Mari sat frozen, wishing she could go up and be liberated from the Pain within, but couldn’t make herself do it, not in front of everyone. Someone was still watching her. Mari glanced over. Professor Junee shook his head, eyes filled with anger and disappointment. He looked away and joined in the applause for the young girl who had gone up to the front to be prayed over.

<<<<<<0>>>>>>

Mari still was in her seat, watching a line of children waiting to speak to the Confessor, Leeland among them. Her palms were sweaty as she gripped the pew. She wanted to leave, though part of her wanted to talk to the Confessor, but she already knew the drill. Say a prayer. Surrender your life. And if she dared claimed that she still had Pain and still felt broken even after she had tried to do the steps, they would say that she hadn’t truly surrendered. The Light knew the devious ways of wretched children.

Professor Junee entered her row and sat down next to her. Mari stiffened, breath quickening, and avoided eye contact.

“What did you think of the message?” Junee asked, voice softer than usual.

Panic shot through her. She knew what she thought, but it wasn’t safe to speak. She wanted to explain, but it hurt too much to expose what was writhing inside.

“Good.” It was all she could manage without giving away her emotions. She didn’t want to cry. Crying did nothing. Crying reminded her that she was alone in her Pain and the Light wasn’t there to help her because she hadn’t surrendered enough of herself to be liberated from her evil ways.

“Have you thought about giving your life to the Light?”

Of course. Mari kept her gaze focused on her shoes, anything but looking at Junee. Instead of saying anything, she gave a little shrug of her shoulders. If she didn’t keep herself together, the hurt that could not be fixed would spill out.

“You should talk to the Confessor,” Professor Junee encouraged. “I’m sure he can help you.”

Yeah, right. She breathed out, knowing that if she refused to go, it would displease Junee greatly, even if she explained that talking to the Confessor made things worse. The Professor wouldn’t believe her that the results were always the same after every prayer. Further Pain. Further loneliness. Further judgement from those around her. If she mentioned the Light did not want her, he would shut that conversation down, telling her she was nothing but a doubter. The Light wasn’t the problem. She was.

“You do want the Light, don’t you?” Junee repeated, raising his eyebrows, that familiar disapproving tone returned. That disappointment didn’t take long to resurface.

“Yeah…” Mari answered submissively, still keeping her head down.

“Then you know what you need to do,” Junee rose from his seat, a sternness there. He abruptly left the row. Mari watched him head toward another student, to the girl who had surrendered her life today, and patted her on the back with a proud expression. Then there was Leeland, up on the stage, engrossed in a conversation with the Confessor, probably talking about going through the Water Rite.

Mari crossed her arms over her chest, stomach churning, wishing that she could disappear. She envied Leeland, not seeming to have a care in the world… and in some way she envied the Rebels, too. They were the kids in the back, not appearing to have even listened to a word of the sermon, wiggling in the rows, refusing to go up and speak to the Confessor. At least they didn’t have Pain burning within them, or they had become so calloused to it that it didn’t bother them anymore. Mari took a breath. Maybe she would try talking to the Confessor. One last time.

<<<<<<0>>>>>>

By the time the Confessor was available, the room was nearly empty. Somehow, that felt even worse. The elderly Confessor, with a crown of balding hair, sat in front of her, hands clasped with intention. “You’re a fence-sitter.”

The first words out of his mouth. The slim hope of this conversation going in a helpful direction dissipated in an instant.

“Would you like to change that?”

Of course, I do. She thought bitterly, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything as fear took over that this would just be another prayer that brought further isolation.

When she didn’t answer, he continued. ‘Would you like me to lead you in a prayer of Salvation?”

Just repent. Just believe.

Still, she said nothing. Professor Junee would be so disappointed.

“Mari?” the Confessor said.

She didn’t reply.

He let out a heavy sigh. “Why did you come up here?”

Mari was embarrassed, but still didn’t speak.

The Confessor sighed again, “I’ll be here if you need to talk, but I can’t force this on you.”

She glanced toward the back of the auditorium. Sure enough, Professor Junee was watching her. She turned back to look at the Confessor and shrugged.

He patted her shoulder and said with a sad smile. “Don’t ignore the presence of the Light too long, child. There’s only so much until it is too late.”

Mari nodded and hurried off the stage as fast as her legs could take her, making sure to avoid eye contact with Professor Junee. She burned with shame. Why had she bothered to go up there? Her mouth was tongue-tied whenever she tried to talk about these things. She knew this was going to happen. Why had she hoped it would be any different? Why was this so hard?

Because you don’t truly want the Light. You’re a Rebel. You’ll always be one.

That’s why she was tormented by Pain no matter how she tried to ignore it. Why was the Light so cruel as to say Salvation came from Him, but she could not taste of its goodness no matter how she tried?

He should strike you down for such thoughts.

It was probably only a matter of time before He did.

<<<<<<0>>>>>>

“Wasn’t the message amazing?’ Leeland said, shoveling a spoonful of food into his mouth. “I feel so rejuvenated.”

Why are you sitting with me? She wanted to ask. He knew she was a fence-sitter, and that she hadn’t made a prayer of Salvation with the Confessor, otherwise, she would have sat at the table with the Chosen. Mari poked at her pile of mashed potatoes, wishing Leeland would talk about anything other than the preaching.

“I’m going through the Water Rite next week!” he beamed with joy, picking a piece of loose food from his mouth. “How about you?”

She gave him a dubious look.

“I saw you talking to the Confessor,” he smacked his lips, licked a finger before pushing the spoon into his food.

“I’m a fence-sitter,” Mari said dryly, trying to make sure he understood. Now go away.

“You didn’t ask him about Salvation?” his eyes widened with surprise.

She squeezed her eyes shut, wanting to tell the boy to shut up, but that wouldn’t be nice.

“She’s not ready yet,” Professor Junee came out of nowhere, nearly making Mari jump. It was like he was always watching her, how she behaved, how she reacted to the sermons.

“Oh,” Leeland looked saddened. “Sorry to hear that.” He peered at Mari with a curious expression, but didn’t persist further. Thank goodness. She felt humiliated enough.

“Just continue to pray for your friend, Leeland,” the Professor said, eyeing Mari. “And pray that her heart would be softened.”

Leeland nodded, “Of course, Professor! I’m sure Mari will see soon.”

Not if I die first. The Light was probably getting fed up with her by now. Everyone else appeared to be, so why wouldn’t the Light? Perhaps it was already too late for Salvation, as the Confessor said.

<<<<<<0>>>>>>

The rebellious do not inherit eternal life. They will be thrown into the Abyss where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. The words of today’s class ran through Mari’s mind as she pressed her blankets against her chin. It was nighttime. The worst time of the day, when she was alone with her thoughts, alone with her Pain, no way of distraction.

Terror filled her. I don’t want to die.

“Light,” she whispered, hugging herself, hoping that He would respond this time. “Won’t you save me?”

There was no answer as the ache throbbed inside her, a Pain that could not be healed.

“I — I know I’m wicked,” Mari spoke in a subdued tone, “And that I don’t love You as I ought but…” her voice trembled as warm tears trickled down her face. “Please save me.”

She waited for something. Anything. A release from this misery. An answer that she wasn’t alone in this.

“Light?” she whispered, biting her lip. “What do you want me to do?”

There was nothing but darkness and emptiness.

I truly am lost. Despair welled up. Mari clutched her blankets, vision blurring. “Why don’t You answer me?” her voice cracked. It hurt so much, as if she were being stabbed over and over again. She couldn’t bear it. No one was there. The Light wasn’t there. There wasn’t anyone she could seek out for help. Mari sniffled, trying to control her sobs, and pressed her hands against her chest. “Please,” she begged. “I…I don’t want to go to the eternal abyss. Will you save my soul? I believe…I believe in you.”

There was no peace that filled her. There was no comforting embrace. The Light had not come as the professors promised. A deeper Pain vibrated throughout her being. Words of pleading did not matter. It was the same as always.

He must not want me.

Stiffness replaced the Pain, as she buried the emotions deep down, as far as she could, trying to make herself numb, trying to make herself forget about salvation, of the afterlife, anything that stirred the turmoil within. If the Light refused to answer, she would bury everything. She couldn’t continue to live like this. Yet anger began to rise above the Pain. Anger towards the Light. Anger towards the Confessor. His words of peace weren’t meant for her, were they? They were meant for the select few. The Chosen. The Favored. And if she was destined to the eternal Abyss, that was totally in the Light’s sovereign will. Anger interwove itself into the Pain. She wanted it to go away. She wanted it to stop. Mari was scared of where her thoughts would lead her, but living like this was unbearable. The Pain dimmed, turning to a dull thrum, and a sudden fear struck her. Was this the hardening they talked about? She gritted her teeth. But that was her fault, too, wasn’t it?

Guess this is what the Light wants.

It was over for her. The message had been received too many times, and now she would be forsaken.

What I deserve.

She turned over in her bed, crying herself to sleep.

<<<<<<0>>>>>>

“Do not ignore the call!” The Confessor’s voice rang out, slamming his fist on the pulpit. “How many years will you continue to rebel?”

Mari sat in the fence-sitter aisle, hands placed on her lap, staring down at her fingers. She was no longer a child, but he still preached the same message, and the Academy still kept her in the same section. Most children had grown and moved out of her aisle, either joining the back row with the Rebels or joining the ranks of the Chosen. Technically, she was a rebel at heart in the Academy’s mind, but she supposed she was still on some Professor’s lists of hope of soon-to-be conversion. She didn’t know why.

“The condemnation will be far greater for you who have sat under the Light’s message every week,” the Confessor continued his adamant sermon. “Do not turn away!” he raised his voice another octave, as if that would catch some wayward attention this time, break some stubborn heart.

The Rebels’ faces were impassive, some bored, some glaring. There was a very slim chance they would turn to the Light now. It had been years since they had been in the Academy, and no amount of preaching, teaching, or discipline had enticed them to follow the Light. The Chosen, eyes misted, attentive, some looking with pity at the Rebels and at… her. Leeland especially. The boy had grown into a spindly youth, one of the tallest, brightest. The star evangelist. He stared at her and slowly shook his head before returning his attention to the Confessor. Even Leeland had given up hope. As he should. How lucky he was to know he was part of the Kingdom of Light. Mari slipped her hand into her pocket, touching a small journal she had kept with a list of unanswered prayers.

I bet Leeland doesn’t have this problem. The Light loves the obedient, after all.

<<<<<<0>>>>>>

It was the last day before the graduating youth of the Academy were to depart. The Hall was full. There was a clear divide between the Rebels and the Chosen, on two sides of the room. The Professors seemed to ignore Rebels, as if their hopes were now completely gone in this group, and they spent their energy with the outstanding students who would now be sent off to be the Academy’s future leaders.

Mari sat down at her usual spot, an empty table at the back, away from both factions. She wasn’t sure where she belonged, to be honest. She didn’t feel a connection with either the Chosen or the Rebels.

Footsteps approached.

It was Leeland. She tried to suppress her discomfort. The boy who had never appeared to struggle throughout their years at the Academy. As to why he still wanted to talk to the stubborn fence-sitter, she didn’t know. As usual, Leeland sat across from her without an invitation and placed his thick leather Truthsay on the table in front of them. Leeland was much older now than that eager little boy she knew a few years ago. Face a little more stern, though there was a delight behind it.

“Hi, Mari.”

She shifted in her seat. “Hi.”

This was awkward.

“Still not finishing your food,” he joked, pointing at her plate, maybe trying to lighten the mood. It wasn’t working. When she didn’t react, he cleared his throat and coughed into his hand. He glanced over his shoulder and waved at a group of his graduating friends, his fellow Chosen, before looking back at Mari.

“Mari,” he cleared his throat again, touching the corner of his Truthsay. “I…” he looked upward, as if trying to find the right words, then blurted out. “I don’t want to see you leave this place without…” he glanced at the Rebels, and lowered his voice. “Is there a reason you’re still resisting the presence of the Light?”

Still resisting. Is that what he thought? Her throat clenched as anger, as fear, as agony scaled its way up inside of her, bleeding itself from the center of her heart. That was the same question she was asked over and over, yet no one could explain why the Light was further away from her when she had followed their prayers, their lines, their teaching, their counsel.

When she didn’t answer, he asked softly. “Don’t you want to feel the freedom the Light is offering?”

Pain stabbed her. The same one that had been there for years. The same one she had asked the Light to help her with. She pushed it down, not willing to allow it to resurface in this conversation.

“Do you want to end up like them?” he gestured toward the table filled with the unbelievers.

Yes, she secretly thought, pursing her lips. At least they aren’t suffering as I am.

But they were suffering. Professor Junee had told her. Because they were in darkness. At least they weren’t harassed about their Pain every day. At least they could shut out the Confessor. Fence-sitters didn’t have that luxury, as their soul-mentors continued to pressure them, showering them with guilt when they didn’t give in.

“I’ll be praying for you,” Leeland offered with a weak smile, as if he didn’t know what else to say.

As you have been, for how long? Mari wanted to respond, but kept her mouth shut. It wasn’t Leeland’s fault she was like this. He was just trying his best. How could she tell him that if the Light didn’t want her, no amount of pleading on her behalf would change a thing? As the Confessor always said, once you had rejected the truth too many times, there was no turning back.

“Well, I’ll see you around? Leeland said,

Mari shrugged. “Yep.” And was relieved when Leeland got up to leave.

He headed back to his group of peers, his clique. One of Leeland’s friends cast a glance in Mar’s direction before they turned away.

And there was Professor Junee, observing, as always, and was giving Leeland a nod of approval. Mari soured, knowing the Professor was just hoping for one more convert before the year was done, and he loathed her “stubbornness”.

If only he knew.

Mari pulled a journal from her pocket. In it were tear-stained pages filled with prayers. One page in particular contained hundreds of blotchy tally marks. It was the total number of times she had prayed the prayer over the years at the Academy, the number of times she had asked for forgiveness and help from the Light, but no one would believe her if she told them.

Just then, she realized Leeland had left his Truthsay on her table. She almost laughed at it, feeling like it was mocking her existence. Did you create me just so that I could be tormented in your eternal abyss? Mari silently fumed, wishing she could toss the book across the room. Yet the Light had the right to do whatever He wanted with her soul, right? It was His prerogative. He made vessels that were beautiful and vessels that were to be destroyed. It didn’t matter how much you sought Him. It was a cruel punishment to have grown up in the Academy, knowing this.

What kind of Light are you? She stared at the Truthsay, gritting her teeth. Asking what I cannot give?

He was far from the peaceful, loving, kind, good being her professors gushed about every day. Mari clutched her journal, the tally marks boldly written. The one who gives transformation? The one who broke the rebels and made them new?

“How about the one who abandons?” she seethed, bitterness filled her as she listened to her graduating peers laugh. Mari stared at the Truthsay, tucking her notebook back into her pocket, wishing more than ever to escape this version of hell. “I hate you.”

The laughter that filled the Hall went silent in an instant.

Mari froze, suddenly frightened that everyone had somehow managed to hear her curse the Light. When she looked up, she found a startling revelation. Everyone in the room was frozen in place. It was like they were all turned to statues, caught in mid-conversations and laughter.

What have I done?

A tall man, wearing white priestly robes, entered the Hall, face enshrouded by a hood. He halted and stared directly at Mari. Mari panicked, looking from side to side to see if anyone else was viewing this. No one moved but her and the hooded man. He strode toward her, almost as if he were gliding across the Hall. Not knowing why, Mari grabbed the Truthsay and clutched it to her chest, as if that would protect her. The man halted as he stood across from Mari and pushed back his hood. A man with a beard and a head full of dark hair and silver streaks smiled at her.

“I’ve been looking for you.”

Mari couldn’t speak, could barely breathe as her heart continued to thud as if someone was pounding on a door.

He glanced around the frozen Hall, then back at Mari. “I am sorry you had to endure this.”

A sound of loud clacking marched in their direction. Professor Junee walked toward them through the stillness of the crowd, a scowl on his face. “How dare you show yourself here.”

Mari wasn’t sure whether to be relieved of Professor Junee’s intervention or not. Did he know this man? And why wasn’t he affected by the stillness like everyone else?

The intruder slowly turned to Professor Junee. “Ah, Junee. Good to see you again.” The man flattened his gaze, sarcasm rolling off him. “How many more false converts have you made this year?”

Professor Junee bristled, face darkening. “You are not welcome here, Jahn,” he spat. “You will leave at once.”

Jahn appeared unconcerned with Junee’s threat. “Not until I finish what I was sent to do.” He turned to Mari and stretched out a hand. “Mari is to come with me.”

Junee swiftly moved forward and pressed a hand over Mari’s shoulder, clamping it tight. “She is not yours to take,” he snarled in a possessive tone Mari had never heard the Professor speak in before. She wanted to pull away, but wasn’t sure she was allowed to. Professor Junee was her assigned soul-mentor, even if he was a little overwhelming. He knew what was best for her. This Jahn was clearly a danger.

You will remove your hold from her,” Jahn said as his voice remained calm, though a brief flash of anger flickered in his eyes.

Junee scoffed. “You have no right. She belongs to us.”

Mari shifted, uncomfortable at the Professor’s tone, but she still wasn’t sure she was allowed to do anything about it.

Jahn appeared amused. “To you? She never did.” His voice lowered, all lightheartedness gone. “Now, I will not ask you again. Remove your hand from the girl.”

If possible, Junee’s grip tightened further, causing Mari to gasp and her eyes to water from the pinching. The Professor seemed completely oblivious to her pain. “I will not. She is mine.”

Jahn flicked his wrist. A flash of light burst behind Mari, and Professor Junee yelped as if something bit him. His hand flew off her shoulder. Mari’s eyes widened as Junee clutched his hand, ice sizzling off his fingertips. “You will regret that.” An unearthly voice crept from his mouth, and a black plume of smoke oozed from his nostrils. Mari gasped and jumped from her seat, trying to move away as quick as she could. A low hissing filled the Hall, and she nearly screamed. It was as if a veil had been torn from her eyes. The Hall was filled with shadowy creatures of darkness, latching onto various students, both the Rebels and the Chosen; even Leeland had one wrung around his neck like a scarf. No one noticed a thing, all trapped in a frozen state. The creatures, though, were all looking toward Jahn with eyes of glowing red, filled with a hatred Mari had never felt in her life.

Someone grabbed her hand. Mari looked up to see Jahn. He pushed her behind, further away from the Professor’s reach. Jahn stared at Professor Junee with an unwavering stance, unafraid of the dark creatures around them. “You will allow us to leave unharmed.”

More black smoke twisted around Junee, and he stared at Jahn with the same hatred as the shadowy creatures. Then, as if it were but a dream, the darkness vanished, and Professor was back to his smiling, pleasing self. Though it felt more like a snake.

“Have you forgotten? It is the choice of the soulbearer whether they want to leave or not.”

“I think she has seen enough,” Jahn replied, but he looked down at Mari with an expression of compassion. “It is true, I cannot force you from here, but I will guide you to the true source of Light.”

“True source?” Professor Junee laughed smugly, folding his arms. “As if you can do such a thing?” He looked to Mari. “You know that state of your soul. Do you really think someone can help you see the Light?”

Jahn ignored Junee’s taunting and faced Mari. “The Light will help you. He knows about your Pain.”

You believe that?” Junee said, narrowing his gaze. “She doesn’t deserve—“

“Enough!” Jahn waved a hand, eyes flashing dangerously, and Junee shut his mouth. Mari had never seen the Professor silenced in such a way. “You have done enough damage with your words of cursing.” Jahn let go of Mari’s hand and looked toward her. “I know you must have so many questions, and so much…hurt.”

Mari wilted, not wanting to go there, not with a stranger.

“But I promise you,” Jahn continued in a tone of kindness Mari had never experienced before. “The Light does not hate you. He knows your suffering, and He has loved you and heard every one of your prayers.”

Professor Junee rolled his eyes, but he did not comment; it was as if he couldn’t say a word, bound to silence.

“Will you come with me, so I can show you?” Jahn asked, with a kindness Mari had never heard.

At first, Mari didn’t know what to say. There were so many thing she wanted to say, wanted to ask. Some of them were quite ugly, some of them desperate, filled with agony.

All she could manage was. “I don’t know if I believe I can be helped.” The words slipped out before she could guard them. Mari shrunk down, expecting to be reprimanded for her lack of faith.

Jahn returned with a small, compassionate smile, as if he could feel the Pain with her. “I understand.”

Mari blinked, then blinked again, staggered. He wasn’t going to tell her that her view was wrong? He wasn’t going to give her some fix? No scowling at how disrespectful she was, and she deserved the abyss?

“He can’t love me,” Mari insisted, resistance growing inside of her.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she watched a victorious smile peek onto the corner of Professor Junee’s mouth.

“That’s what you were told,” Jahn folded his arms. “And you can continue believing that, or you can leave this place and learn something entirely new. What the Light really wants you to know.”

Mari narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “How can you know that?”

“Because I know Him.”

Mari felt doubt within. Isn’t that what they all said?

Professor Junee continued to look smug. She had never seen him in that way before. Stern, yes. Disapproving, always, but gloating over her confusion and hurt? Had he always been like that, the Professor? Did he not want her to learn who the Light was and was so convinced that there was no hope for her?

“I’ll go with you,” she told Jahn

A startled expression came over Professor Junee, almost as if he had lost something important. Then his face distorted, veins almost popping out of his face in anger. “You…”

“She made her decision,” Jahn cut him off. “She is coming with me.”

Professor Junee sneered. “You may leave this place,” his ugly voice returned. “But you’ll never get rid of us.”

A chill crawled through her spine, and she instinctively moved closer to Jahn for protection. How had she never seen Professor Junee like this before?

“In time, she will overcome you,” Jahn replied, then nodded toward the exit of the Hall. “Let’s go.”

Once again, to Mari’s horror, the shadowy beasts were all back in place, watching Jahn and Mari with their gleaming eyes as they moved past the frozen students. It was as if they wanted to pounce on them, tear them apart, but they did not move.

Mari could feel Junee’s furious gaze upon her back. “You’ll be back,” he called, voice echoing throughout the Hall.

“Not in the way you think,” Jahn replied, keeping his gaze forward. Mari didn’t know what Jahn meant by that, but she stumbled to keep up with his long strides. It felt like it took forever before they exited the Hall of the Academy. Mari was nearly blinded by the brightness of the daylight, but they kept walking, further away from the Academy, further away from the place she grew up. Mari glanced over her shoulder once and paused.

The Academy stood tall, but somehow the building looked like it was falling apart, decaying, rotting from within. Why had she never seen that before? Pain drummed inside her, and she collapsed to her knees. Voices were calling her to return, but she shoved them away, remembering the dark shadows that filled the building.

“I know there’s a lot to explain,” Jahn came beside her, observing the Academy with a look of sadness. “But you will learn in time.”

Mari realized she was still holding Leeland’s Truthsay. Alarm filled her. “What about the others?” Even the Chosen had those creatures latching onto them. How could no one see that, even the greatest student of them all?

“What does your heart say?” Jahn asked, regarding her with keen eyes.
My heart? Mari was filled with confusion. She knew what Professor Junee and the Academy told her about that, instructing her how to think, how to feel, how to act, but she didn’t think Jahn was asking her the same thing.

Jahn bent down next to her, the pointed at the Truthsay. “Maybe it is time for you to learn the proper meaning of the text, no?”

“I thought I already did?” Mari stated, though the crumbling building of the Academy and the images of the creatures caused her to doubt she had fully learned what the truth actually was.

“Do you truly believe that?” Jahn watched her, lifting an eyebrow. It seemed Jahn knew just as much as she now that Mari could no longer continue believing the Academy had done everything in her best interest.

“No…” Mari slowly shook her head, then asked with some trepidation. “Will you…teach me the Way?”

The Pain she had been holding onto all these years cracked open. It bled out. It wasn’t completely gone, but it was the start of something new, a start of a healing she hadn’t known she was in desperate need of, that Professor Junee had prevented her from experiencing. Jahn was inviting her to know something Mari had truly missed all her years at the Academy. The real Way of Light.

Jahn smiled. “I was hoping you’d say that.”