Before I go into this story, let me explain two things.

One, making any phone calls that are business-related cause me a great deal of anxiety. Like, a ridiculous amount. I don’t even understand why. It doesn’t even matter if I reason with myself that it absolutely makes no sense to stress over it, and go through the list of why I’m being stupid, my gut-reaction is to be anxious, and I will procrastinate and make excuses to no end to find ways out of calling, which, obviously, is just going to make it worse.

Two, I am not a mechanically-minded individual. [Wow, shocker.] So anything related to vehicle repairs also make me anxious because I don’t know what I’m doing, and people can take advantage of that.

Anyway, to start, in spring of 2022, I realized I needed to invest in a new car. My other one was getting old, had some expensive repairs that needed done, and wasn’t something I trusted traveling long distances anymore. So I looked into options of getting a brand new one, but, considering the prices, I settled to get something used and I could afford. With the cost of inflation, and a vehicle shortage on the market, it wasn’t exactly the easiest to find. So I started to get anxious about whether I would get something reliable and in a good price range. I prayed about it, that God would provide for my needs. Because God provides for our needs, right? And we shouldn’t be anxious, because he cares for his children…right?

Right.

Eventually, with the help of a couple friends, I found a car. Low mileage. Well taken care of. Nothing came up on the safety-check. All right. Looks like God provided for my needs! I guess I worried for nothing, as usual.

Not long after my purchase, though, there seemed to be an issue. When I brought it to the mechanic, however, they couldn’t find out what the cause of it was. They told me bring it back, if it got worse.

I did some research online, and found out what the potential problem could be for the model of my car, but decided to ignore it, because, again, I don’t know much about cars, and I would deal with it if it did get worse. I didn’t want to think about it.

Fast forward to January 2023. Not even a year after I purchased a car, the issue had gotten noticeably worse. This morning, I dropped off my car at the mechanic and drove to work. It’ll be fine. I told myself. They’ll find the issue. Hopefully it won’t cost too much. Already, though, I started questioning. Had I not prayed specifically about this car? Didn’t God know how much calls made me anxious, especially vehicle-related? [And I had to make a couple calls about it already]. And that I had asked for a car that would be reliable? I had chosen not to spend an exorbitant amount on a new car because I didn’t think, for me, at least, that would have been a good steward of my finances.

I got called during my shift. I was promptly informed that they could not fix the issue, that I would have to call the car dealership and get the problem fixed there. That wasn’t news I had wanted to hear. A dealership. Notorious for overcharging. On top of it, when I mentioned it to a co-worker, they told me a story how someone brought in their car to a dealership and was charged $500 for an oil change, and there were other stories I’d previously heard about dealerships and car repairs. It didn’t sound good, at all.

Instant anxiety. So I had to make yet another phone call about my car, and now, I was likely going to waste hard-earned money, that I was trying to save, because of dishonest people.

Instant anger. God hadn’t provided for my needs in the end. I had been told several times how God provides, yet, this felt exactly the opposite of provision. This was how God provided? An all too familiar thought popped in my head. God doesn’t care. Why had I even bothered to ask about a new car in the first place if this was the result? But I suppose that’s what God does. You ask, and he doesn’t provide. People are wrong about God’s provision.

Inwardly, I cringed at my thoughts. I knew my anger was wrong, but I still sizzled inside, and part of me just wanted to keep that anger. This wasn’t fair. I knew my doubting in his love for me was wrong, too, and if God was testing my faith, that I had 100% failed.

Still, I fumed. Now, I was angry at my doubting [because here I was yet again] and angry at God, not understanding who he was, and questioning what provision meant. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. Christians are supposed to trust in their Heavenly Father. I wasn’t. I was blaming Him. Again. What was I supposed to do? I started to recite to myself, portions of Psalm 103, speaking and praying to God about how it mentions how he is a compassionate father, and who he is, but how I really, really struggled in that moment to even believe any of those things to be true.

Then, I called someone who I knew would listen to my frustrations — my mom — and told her everything, about my car, about my doubts in God, how angry I was. So, right there and then, she told me she would pray. In response, I let out a sarcastic, dry-chuckle, “Like that will do anything?” That definitely hasn’t been the first time I have said that.

Again, I inwardly cringed at my words, though anger still clung to my heart. Where was this ugliness coming from? This wasn’t how I wanted to be as a Christian. Why couldn’t I just have faith, like others? Why couldn’t I just believe, like others? Why was this always the thing that brought me down? Over a stupid, trivial thing, that I bet others would have no difficulty with. It was a twisted, stubborn version of myself, and I didn’t feel in control at all.

Yet, my mom, being patient, didn’t even rebuke my words. She seemed to just understand my frustration and need, and instead, she just prayed for me, even if I didn’t believe in it. As she prayed, doubts continued to crash through my head, but I listened. The prayer was simple, and I can’t even remember much of it, but, I remember… being comforted that someone saw my need, and that, she prayed my anger would subside and my relationship with God be restored before the day was over.

As the prayer closed, I knew, that is what I wanted. I didn’t want to remain angry with God, but I didn’t know how to let go. Once the call ended, I allowed myself to stop and think and pray. God, I need help. Over and over, I prayed. And I challenged my doubts in accordance to what the Bible said about the character of God. How could I assure others of who God was, when I didn’t even believe it myself? When I reacted in such a way? This anger wasn’t even just about car, it was a build up of doubts over prayer, about God’s provision, and his character, and this… was forcing me to face it. I openly admitted my questions to God. Did I believe He was good? Merciful? Loving? Did I believe He cared for me and would provide for me, despite what I perceived my circumstances telling me?

God, change me. I asked. God, help me. Even if I don’t understand who you are, help me trust You.

There wasn’t an immediate magical switch of, yay, I love Jesus again! But over the course of the day, I prayed through scripture, and I purposefully put on Christian music that recounted who God is, and I meditated on these words and sang with it. The lyrics of the songs spoke to my heart in ways they never had before as I struggled through my attitudes. At some point, I felt my anger and anxiety subsiding.

All’s good, right?

In the middle of my shift, I get a call from my supervisor telling me I need to backtrack on the job [which is the worst] because a customer couldn’t figure out how to get a parcel out of compartment, and on top of that, I had just pulled up to community mailbox that someone had parked in front of it, blocking access. That’s really irritating.

You can probably guess what happened.

Instant annoyance and a slippery slope of wanting to trash talk how stupid and incompetent people were. Words slipped out, but I bit my tongue, because the only reason I was irritated more than usual was because of the grudge that lingered in my heart. I had to confess again, and ask for a better attitude. God, help me.

Today, was a day I repeatedly admitted how much I did not trust my Father, nor believe His Word. It was not particularly amazing or grand. I repeatedly had to ask Him to help me understand, to help me choose to believe Him, rather than what I saw with my eyes. Today, through maybe what some would call a pretty mediocre situation, I was confronted on whether I would choose to allow my anger and anxiety to consume me or whether I would choose to believe what God promised in His Word.

That is not an easy choice. Not for someone who a perpetual doubter.

But God knew exactly what I needed.

He used my car problem to point me to God and the Scriptures. God puts in our lives circumstances that are particular to us, as individuals, and poses the question: Will you trust God and His Word? Or are you going to trust yourself?

But why in the world does God put us through these things? Why?

Well, in my instance, I have specifically been asking God to help me trust him more this year and to grow my faith. In my life, if everything goes perfect, I am less likely to depend on my Heavenly Father, and I am even less likely to face heart attitudes that need reshaping. I rather like to ignore them. Shove them somewhere in a corner and not deal with them. I suspect, we all do this, to some extent. Or we’re not even aware of attitudes we may even have that need changing.

I think, if necessary, God does test our hearts — and he reveals to us what needs to be changed, where we need to grow. Though I do not understand why God used this particular situation, I know he answered a prayer of mine of wanting deeper faith by using a small thing like a car problem. I learned to rely on God, rather than myself. No, I am not saying I am happy to have a car problem, but I am thankful that God is working in my life. As to why he chose a car? I don’t know. I don’t understand a lot of things, but at the end of this day, I chose to believe that he will provide and care for my needs, even if my eyes tell me another story. God is true to his Word, and I, the frequent doubting saint God knows that I am, believe it.

When you pray that you would grow closer to God, that He would teach you how to pray, and that your faith would increase, He will answer those prayers, but not necessarily in ways you expect. This certainly was the case for me over the last year of 2021 and 2022. In fact, I thought God was doing the exact opposite of what I had asked, and that brought about a lot of frustration and discouragement.

Didn’t God want me to grow closer to Him? So why then did He now feel so distant when I had felt so close before? When did this apathy and coldness seep back in? Wasn’t asking for a deeper prayer life a good thing? Yet my prayer life had become sporadic, lifeless, and broken in pieces. Attitudes and areas of my life that I had thought I had gotten a control of, came barreling back in. Personal circumstances that I didn’t like arose, and I had no control over them, and during this time I simply felt unable to rekindle my love for God.

It didn’t make sense.

God didn’t make sense.

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December 19, 2021

I lost the battle today. I can’t pull myself up. I can’t pull myself out. I’m too scared to reach out to friends. Won’t they just tell me to get over it? This drudgery that I can’t remove. They’ll whisper about my struggles. They’ll mock it. Why wouldn’t they? I hardly can stand myself when this apathy pulses through. I have thought more than once today, “I don’t want to live.” Can a believer really struggle with that thought? Can a Christian really think that? I haven’t read my Scriptures today. I’ve prayed, but…it was hard. It wasn’t a long prayer. I asked for help. I told God that I can’t go on like this. I asked him to remove this apathy, these emotions, but…they’re still here. I’m so tired. God does not feel real in these moments, though I know He is. I have tried so hard to overcome this, yet it persists. God? Father? How long shall I suffer alone?

January 7, 2022

What is your purpose for me, Father? I can’t seem to get my bearings. To be a miserable Christian is not your desire, I know, but how do I escape this thorn in my flesh? This thorn that has captured my heart since my youth? A thorn I thought I was able to control, to yank out on my own, and yet it lingers and with all new vigor thrusts back inside and pierces like a knife. Its hold is so deep, and I well up in despair. You want faith, that I cannot give. I wither in this pool of weakness. Yet am I to be a light? Am I to give hope to others? How can I do either when I am shackled by my sin, my emotions, that bite and sneer, or my emotions simply die out altogether. Am I not a shame to You? Am I not your creation that dwindles in the shadows? Why save me, God? I do not know how to move forward. It seems I cannot. I am tired, Father. I am so small. I am afraid.

July 25, 2022

Going against my feelings and cynicism, I am sitting down to read a passage of scripture. I do not believe it’ll help. My friend sent me a text this morning saying she was praying for me. Immediately my mind thought, “Like that will change anything.” How do you overcome unbelief? How do you choose to silence the doubts? With truth? But when the words of truth feel hollow, then what? Then what?

I read Acts 1-4. I’m not sure why I’m astounded, but reading through Acts and seeing how 3,000 people were saved at the same time is crazy. Unfathomable. I’ve never even seen one person within my circle be saved…? Not that I have huge circles I’m a part of. But, I don’t see even the small things, even in church. Rather, I see young people walking away from the faith. I see more people walk away from Christ than towards Him. Was it just easier to believe back then? Or was the Holy Spirit working more? Why? Why is there silence?

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These are just a few entries that dotted my journal over the year 2021 and 2022, probably up to a couple months ago. It was a mixture of things that led up to this, some related to personal situations I didn’t like, some with my wrestling with unanswered prayer, some related to the heavy workload of my job, and my doubting spirit returned, seeming to question truths about my faith and my relationship with God.

My passion for God’s Word wavered. My prayer life became detached. Some days, life felt so pointless. There were times I wanted to run, but I knew I couldn’t. Because I can’t run from myself, and I can’t run from God. Though I knew God wouldn’t leave me, I didn’t know how to get through the tangled mess that had formed in my life. I wanted it to go away. I wanted God to take it away.

But He didn’t.

Instead, He allowed the various struggles that were interconnected to shape my prayer life in a way I hadn’t quite done before, to teach me about who He is, and to become more reliant on Him. Now, mind you, it wasn’t like this every single day, but it was like walking through deary, dark forest and every once in a while pockets of light shone through. In those moments, I grasped the light, and thought the dark journey was over, but usually the clouds rolled back in, allowing truths that were usually so bright to grow dim and dull. Yet looking back now, I know God did not allow this to be all in vain.

God taught me to pray for daily help and provision

Because we live in a society where basically all our needs are met, we don’t, or at least I don’t, typically ask God for daily needs, or, to be honest, even thank Him for the things He has blessed me with such as a job, a home, etc. They’ve just always been there. It’s not that I’m not thankful for them. I just often forget to acknowledge where those blessings came from.

This past year, with my job, though it is a good job, being a letter carrier can be physically demanding, and some routes that I deliver for are far worse than others. Mail volumes are especially terrible on Mondays, and over the last seven years I’ve worked there, the routes have been restructured and are significantly longer. I’ve had it where knots have formed in my lower back, or I’ve pulled muscles in my shoulders because of the excess volumes I have carried. So there were evenings before going to bed I would become super anxious because I didn’t want to put that much stress on my body, yet I didn’t really have a choice.

Often, I woke up the next morning, feeling unmotivated and with a dread of the day ahead. This wasn’t just because of my job I felt this way, but I was also fighting with spiritual doubts. There were things I knew the Bible said about God, my Father, how He cares and loves His children and that God is a merciful God, but part of me didn’t believe that. Yet I started to pray in the morning, anyway. It felt like I didn’t have a choice because I was stuck, and I knew God was the only one who could fix how I viewed my circumstances. I prayed, mostly on the 15 minute commute to work, that God would give me strength for that day, that I could still glorify Him, despite my weary heart.

I recall a specific instance where I did not know what route I was covering. Since I am a relief carrier, sometimes I am unassigned to a route for a week, and I just cover whatever route is available for that day. That morning I was particularly stressed about work, and was praying that God would allow me to deliver one of the easier routes in the office. I wrestled on the drive to work, just to believe whether God would answer that prayer, because why should He? It was selfish, wasn’t it? Was it really a need?

I pulled into the parking lot and walked into the office and reported to my boss for work. He then informed me I had to deliver one of the worst routes in the office. My heart sank. I was crushed. Not only had God not answered this prayer that I was anxious over, God was letting me deliver one of the most difficult routes. I was discouraged and deflated. It wasn’t that I expected that God would just snap His fingers and give me my demands, I just…had wanted help to get through the day and allowing me to go on this route felt…painful. I was told God was merciful, but this didn’t feel like mercy. It made me question why even bother to ask for help in the first place if it turned into something worse? Why let myself be disappointed? If God heard my prayers, it didn’t seem like He cared about my needs.

As I gathered up the trays of mail and brought them to the case, I continued to pray. I prayed in a sort of confused way, acknowledging that I didn’t understand why God was allowing this to happen, and trying to control my anxiety. Still, I asked Him to help me get through the day. As I continued to sort through the mail and pray, still stressed about the workload, after about ten minutes in, my boss came back over and informed me that a different route was now available and I could switch to it if I wanted. I was stunned. I wasn’t even sure why it had happened. The other route available was one of the best in the office. Relief came over me, and I gladly switched over. I did not know why God answered in this way, but I thanked God that He provided for my needs, though I struggled to believe He would.

This is only one of the few examples of where God has provided for daily needs at work this year. I learned to pray to God about my anxieties, and despite my continued questioning, He kept providing in very specific ways and also in ways I didn’t expect. It was in small things, just to help me get through the days that were more difficult. I have learned that whether I am stressed about the day or not to ask for His help and to thank God for the mercies I see in his provision.

God taught me to pray with honesty and vulnerability

The days where I was at my lowest, I would sit or walk alone and converse with God. I would share what was on my heart and mind. I would speak of how tired I was, how I struggled with purpose, or work, or doubts, and a joyless faith that had crept into my soul. I would tell God I felt so far away, that He didn’t feel close anymore. I would tell God that I didn’t understand who He was, or why, when I asked to be closer to Him, that I felt further away than before. There were tears of frustration. Many confessions of my grumbling, discontented spirit. Fears that God would grow weary of me because of my complaining and lack of perception. And yet, God never left, and I’ve learned to lean upon Him, to trust Him, and His Word rather than how I felt. I’ve learned to take my doubts to my Heavenly Father in ways that I probably never did before.

Just a couple days ago, I was sitting down reading a book called Knowing God by J.I. Packer. I was excited, in a way I haven’t been a long time. A desire of wanting know God rose within and there was a hope that I knew this was a possible thing for me to do. To know God deeper. To learn about Him. However, as I was reading over a few sentences, my mind froze, and I choked up as a thought bubbled up inside. Are you sure this is even possible to know God better? Me? One who doubts at every turn? One who, for over a year, was stuck? I stopped myself. Fears of what I knew who I was and how easily I was gripped by my doubting came back. Yet, the moment these thoughts gripped me, I confessed them to God, and I prayed God would help me know Him better, despite my tendencies to doubt his Word. Because God knew who I was when He saved me, and He knew exactly how much I would question the truth, yet He loves me, and with God it is possible to know Him. He’s proved that over this year.

God used my weaknesses to drive me to Him.

So when I asked God to grow my prayer life, and He did so in a way I did not expect. It has changed me in a way that now, when I doubt, I pray. When cynicism rises, I pray. When I am anxious in the morning, I pray. When I am burdened for a family or friends, I pray, and in those prayers I ask Him to help me trust Him in whatever answer He gives, because I know I often question when I shouldn’t. When I feel overwhelmed or I don’t understand His plans, I pray.

God allowed my doubts, my questions, to pull me towards him, though often I wanted to run the other way. God confronted me on whether I would choose to believe what I felt was true, what I could see with my eyes, or whether I would believe His Word instead. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m done fighting with my doubts or that I’ve conquered my all anxieties, but God’s shown me how to deal with them in a better way. God worked on my faith, teaching me to trust His Word rather than what my eyes could see in the current circumstances. God taught me to be more reliant on Him. God taught me to be more honest with Him. God taught me how to be vulnerable with Him, that despite my sin, my weaknesses, my struggles, He still was there, and God will always be there to help me grow in the good times and in the spiritual droughts.

“Hey!” a customer yells from his house as I reached the end of his driveway. I inwardly groaned. By the sharp tone of his voice, I knew this wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation. With reluctance, I turned around and put on a friendly face, then trekked back up his driveway to meet with the customer, even if I absolutely hate it when anyone shouts to get my attention, especially in the middle of a busy and long work day. The man marched towards me, face clouded over.

“Yes?” I reply, with a kind smile, or at least, I hope it was.

It didn’t take him long to show his disapproval and unleash a series of complaints. He proceeded to tell me that I mis-delivered his mail to the next door neighbor’s, that I was negligent, and that I needed to be more aware of what I was doing, that I needed to do a better job. At one point in the conversation, he accused me of carelessly dropping a couple pieces of mail onto the lawn. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t go around dropping mail purposefully., and I am usually aware if anything falls out of my satchel.

So many things crossed my mind as the conversation went on. One, I am a relief carrier, meaning that I jump around to a lot of different routes in my office. It so happened that the route I was on had recently been covered by multiple people lately, which meant mistakes could have been made by several employees other than myself. Two, I had an extremely exhausting work week. It had been way heavier than normal and every day I was worn-out. Dead tired. This meant, however, that the accusations of mis-delivering was probable, which upset me, because I take pride in making sure I do my job right. I always double check my addresses before I deliver. Do mistakes still happen? Absolutely. Yet it was hard to swallow that this guy was attacking my work ethic and saying I was flippant about my job.

The conversation probably didn’t take more than five minutes, and in the end, even if I had many thoughts crossing through my mind, all I ended up doing was simply nodding, listening, and then apologizing for the mistakes. I didn’t try to make excuses, though I wanted to, because I didn’t feel it would help the circumstance. All the customer wanted was to make sure his mail was properly delivered, and when I calmly assured him I would try and do better, his tone softened and he appeared considerably more at ease.

We parted ways and I continued my work day.

Immediately, emotions welled up inside of me, as is typical for me after dealing with an encounter with an irritable customer. Depending on how the interaction went, sometimes I get pent up with anger or I get upset, almost defeated. This time, I leaned towards the latter. It wasn’t fair that I was accused of all those things. I tried my best and my best wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t fair that he just rattled off all those things without knowing why it could have happened. It wasn’t fair that he used a tone harsher than I’d like. It wasn’t fair that I worked hard, yet got treated like trash. It wasn’t fair.

During this montage of thoughts, my mind couldn’t help but think. Wow, God, thanks for that. Really needed to deal with this on top of everything else this week.

I bit my tongue. Had I really just said that? Was I allowing attitudes to form within my heart that were not Christ-like? I knew that even if it wasn’t fair, that didn’t give me the right to dwell on it in a way that wasn’t godly. After acknowledging to God that I wasn’t dealing with the situation right, it occurred to me that I didn’t want to let my mind continue to be consumed with the conversation for the rest of the work day which I have been prone to do in the past — whether that was nitpicking at my own faults — or just replaying the scenario over and over again.

Instead, I decided to voice-text a group chat with a couple good friends of mine, Eric and Jenny. We’ve known each other for a couple years now, and I had talked with them enough that I knew from previous conversations we’ve had that they would have a biblical perspective on the situation and about the frustrations I was dealing with. God had graciously provided me with friends who also desired to live their life in such a way that followed Christ. Without trying to embellish the story, which, to be honest, is hard to do when you feel you’ve been slighted, I sent a couple voice-texts explaining the scenario and telling them how I wrestled in keeping a Christ-like attitude throughout it.

It didn’t take long for them to respond. In a string of messages, ranging from reminders about what it meant to live as a Christian, why we react in the way we do in midst of a sin-cursed world, and even going over a couple verses in Proverbs, I found any remaining tension I had, dispersed. It seemed to me the conversation with the customer wasn’t even a big deal anymore. Sure, I might have made some mistakes, but that was okay. I would move on. Sure, it wasn’t the most pleasant experience, and I would probably have several more like it in the future, but I was still encouraged and comforted by the words of my friends and their perspective. It also helped that they let me know my response with the customer had been reasonable and kind.

Reflecting on this, I’ve come to realize more and more the importance of having other believers in your life. It doesn’t even have to be a major event that causes you to derail a little or lose sight of what is true and good. Whatever it is, we can get tripped up pretty fast and things can get blurry as we become near-sighted and focused on the here and now. But then you have friends, fellow believers, who come alongside you and point out truths, encouraging you to follow Christ in all attitudes, and it brings back into view what you might have momentarily forgotten. Though I still have a lot of work to do on how I respond to others, I’m thankful for the means God gives to us as believers to build one another up.

Recently I was asked the question, “What does it look like for me to be an example to a younger woman in my church? How can I be of help of in a meaningful way?”

As someone who has experienced encouragement from women within my church community, and some who I would say have had quite an impact in my life, both spiritually and practically, I think this an important question that not only seasoned members in the church can ask, but even someone who is younger, but I’m going to focus on how having a woman you can look up to has been a huge blessing in my life and in what ways this has been done.

Being Intentional

 Whether that’s a short text asking me how my week is going, asking what my prayer needs are, or asking how I’m doing when we see each other in church and not just glossing with the typical “Oh, it’s fine!” but actually wanting to hear how my week was and knowing that you care about my spiritual growth is significant. I appreciate when you ask how I’m growing spiritually, even though sometimes I want to avoid the subject altogether if I’m having a challenging week. I appreciate when you share what God has been teaching you in His Word. If I know that you care about my life in a deeper way than just the superficial aspects, and are someone who loves the Lord, I am more likely to open up and share how my week was.

Patience and Understanding

We definitely don’t have it all figured out, and sometimes when we struggle with things we tend to feel absolutely stupid about it. We feel that we should have it all together, but sometimes, well, a lot of times, we just don’t. And we need someone to just come alongside us and say that it’s okay to not be perfect, but that it’s still essential to continue to strive towards godliness, and then to show us how to continue to strive towards godliness. Sometimes that means going over a passage of scripture or a verse. Sometimes it’s sharing a story or experience from your past and how God brought you through it. Sometimes it’s just being a listening ear without being critical and judgmental. Most importantly, it’s reminding us of who God is and the foundational truths of the gospel. 

Whether you’re a young mom with little ones, or someone starting college, or working a full-time job, it’s easy to forget how we’re supposed to live when the pressures of the world build up or situations take an unexpected turn and you simply don’t know how to face it, or at least, deal with it with an attitude that reflects who Christ is. Things get overwhelming. Things that may not seem like a big deal to you, is big to someone who’s never been through it before, and admitting that to someone else isn’t easy. However, when you know you will not be mocked for your weaknesses, but to have someone you know will give you biblical counsel, to be a support, and perhaps just help you see the situation in a different light, it is a relief and encouragement in your life.

Be willing to take the time to answer questions. We notice. We appreciate it. We value it. Especially when we know that woman already has a busy schedule, yet she takes the time to sit down and listen and reply in a loving and well-thought out way. Sometimes these simple conversations over text or in person challenge me to question whether I am thinking biblically. I am thankful to say that I have a handful of woman within my church community that I can rely on for sound advice. They have shown me what it means to be a godly woman by the way they act and speak.

Showing Us How You Live 

Now, this will not be the same for every situation because everyone is at various stages in their life.

For me, one of the things that is helpful has just being able to watch how my friends interact with others, how they serve, what hospitality looks like. As a single young woman, I sometimes am invited into homes and I just get to hang out and see how families are together. When I get to see how a mother and wife interacts with her family in a godly way, whether it’s through a preparation for a meal, the way she lovingly speaks with her family, and the way she selflessly puts others before herself, it is inspiring and puts into perceptive what qualities I should aim for.

Now, from another perspective, I have several friends who are young moms and I have heard them say how they would just love to have older, more experienced women involved in their lives, especially those who may not have immediate believing family nearby. They want input from godly women. They want the advice and wisdom of woman who have gone through motherhood. If you have the time, and are at a stage of life that you are able, consider investing in the life of a young mom.

But What If They Don’t Want Me Involved? What If I Don’t Have The Skill?

I can’t speak for every young woman out there, but I know that there are those who for sure long for someone to be more involved in their life. If you’re unsure how to figure that out, you can probably start by having small conversations with the young women in your church, start by being more intentional in your conversations.

Or perhaps the idea of mentoring someone just seems too daunting, too much of a commitment, or you don’t feel like you have the wisdom to do that. We’re not asking for perfection. We’re not asking that you officially say “I’ll be a mentor!” We’re not asking that you spend every waking hour with us. The young women who I have heard from just want to learn how to be more of a godly woman. We want to know how to do that in the little things, in the bigger things. We just want to hear from you and what God has taught you.

Now, for the young women who might be reading this, value and cherish the words and time given to you by someone else. Also, if you respect someone and admire a woman in your church, maybe start by asking them how you can pray for them during the week, and don’t be afraid to approach them and asks questions, and thank them for taking them time to be with you.

There is so much we can learn from one another and so many missed opportunities if we sit back and do nothing. God’s given us a community for a reason. It’s meant to be together, not apart. It doesn’t matter what age you are. We shouldn’t neglect the wonderful gifts He has given us because we’re afraid to step out of our comfort zone, but we should try to live in a way that builds one another up in love and unity. We can’t do that if we don’t even try to reach out to others or cultivate the relationships God has given us. So if you aren’t doing so already, who are you going to start encouraging?

Another headline. Another mandate. My eyes locked onto my screen in dismay and a knot formed in my stomach. I had known that this would be a possibility, but the news still hit me all the same. As I closed the update off my phone, reality of the announcement sunk in.

If I did not get vaccinated, I would likely lose my job.

That wasn’t outright said, of course, but it was pretty much implied. I hadn’t cared if I was banned from movie theaters or restaurants, that was a luxury, but this? This was personal. I was being forced to do something I still had reservations against, and it really made me uncomfortable.

Why didn’t I want the vaccine?

To be clear, it’s not because I’m an “anti-vaxxer” (I love how we coin terms and then shove everyone in a category who doesn’t line up with one way of thinking). Plenty of my friends, who I respect, had already taken the vaccine. I believed that was the choice of the individual. I mainly kept my opinions about vaccines to myself and wasn’t trying to persuade anyone in either direction.

I just wanted to be left alone with my decision as I had my own doubts, and was put off by the massive conflict, division, and uncertainty revolving just about anything related to Covid-19. On top of that, I was frustrated with a government who previously made statements saying they would not make vaccines mandatory, only to change that. I suppose, as I saw it, the government, those in a position of authority and leadership, were filled with so many inconsistencies and dishonesty and now they were insisting I obey them? It felt wrong. It felt like an infringement of my rights and an abuse of power. Weren’t they breaking the law, demanding I put something in my body that I didn’t want to? This was more than a simple overreach. They couldn’t impose this, could they?

As what usually happens after the government makes an announcement, an explosion of outrage filled social media. It seemed to me that you were labelled unloving if you did one thing, and you were an idiot and pushover if you did another. There were many unkind and harsh words thrown from every direction. And, as the days went by, it didn’t seem like there was going to be a solid answer if this mandate would be revoked or not or what the guidelines would look like.

It left me laying in bed at 2 in the morning with questions, running through scenarios. I felt like I was either being told to, “Just shut up and take the vaccine. You’re inconsiderate of others.” or to “Fight for your freedoms! If you don’t fight now, say goodbye to your future.” The what-ifs of tomorrow cascaded through my mind, and I hated it. I hated feeling like there was no way out.

God, I don’t want to do this. You know I don’t. I prayed, feeling very alone. Everyone had a different opinion, and I wasn’t sure what was the best response. God what am I supposed to do? As I lay there, pondering, a question popped in my mind. Are you trusting God, right now? No…no, I really wasn’t. I was letting my mind whirl with anxieties that hadn’t even happened

.But God, what if this happens? What if–?

Then I needed to remember who God was. Was I supposed to focus on the unknown? Or did I need to remember his sovereignty. His steadfastness, amidst the uncertainty. His unwavering promises, amidst a fallen world.

Even if circumstances were not in my control, and I could not change what happened, God was in control and He would help me through them. The anxiety I had been gripping onto loosened a little, and a sense of peace was instilled instead. It was a comfort to know that whatever tomorrow did bring, God already knew, and God certainly wasn’t going to let me face it alone.

Although my attitude shifted that night, it didn’t mean I had made a decision as to what I was going to do next. As they days continued, I still had many moments of doubts and frustrations that I brought to God. Yet time went on, and as I prayed through it, to my surprise, what I had been dead set against, my perspective started to change, and what had felt overwhelming, didn’t feel so challenging any longer.

Why did I end up taking the vaccine, if I had been so against it?

It’s not because I believe it’s the ultimate cure or I believe the government is right in forcing this upon people, I don’t. And I absolutely do not think it would have been right for anyone to just tell me to suck it up and get vaccinated when I was figuring out how to respond. I needed to figure it out through prayer and being encouraged to view this world through a heavenly perspective, rather than an earth-bound one. For me, the reason I ended up getting the vaccine came to me down to laying aside my rights in order to be a better reflection of Christ. In this particular instance, it was not worth fighting, as it would have stained my testimony as a Christian.

I had to ask myself if the mandate was in anyway telling me to reject the gospel or God, and I came to the conclusion it wasn’t. It would have been entirely different response if it had. This was putting aside my frustrations and fears for the sake of maintaining a Christ-like testimony. It was a trusting in God, placing my future in His hands, rather than trying to grip tightly onto something I don’t have a hold on anyway.

Was it easy to walk into the pharmacy and get the vaccine? No. Do I regret doing it? No, not really. Will there be repercussions in the future? I don’t know, and I don’t think that’s something I’m going to worry about.

This I do know. I am called to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel. I am called to love others, before myself. I’m called to be a reflection of who Christ is..I know not everyone will come to the same conclusion. Maybe some will even think this was foolish. But laying down my arms for the sake of others, for the sake of keeping in step with the spirit, was what I felt I was called to do, so that is what I did. .

• 

A spirit of weariness crept through me as I woke up to get ready for another workday. Not again, I inwardly groaned. Not this. This miserable emotion that replaced joy. I felt like a lifeless corpse. Okay. I thought. Put into practice what you’ve learned. You know this won’t last. Focus on what is good and true. Pray. Dwell on your blessings and what you’re thankful for. Put on uplifting music. Focus on the gospel.

Yet as I continued through the morning, this apathetic sludge remained. After muttering yet another half-empty prayer, I headed off to work and wondered. God, why does this keep happening? I’ve been working on this, and yet it persists. I’ve been doing everything people tell me to do. Is this something I’ll never be rid of no matter how hard I try?

As the morning wore on, this weight grew heavier and somewhere along the way I began recalling the deepness of my pride, selfishness, and the ugliness of sin that had been revealed in my heart. It seemed to me no matter how hard I tried to get better, I always fell short. And for someone who had formulated a mental picture of what an ideal Christian should look like, this wasn’t easy to deal with. Theologically, I knew I would never ‘measure up’ but I was becoming more aware of prevailing weaknesses and struggles in my life, and I loathed them.

Stop. I told myself. Stop focusing on self. Look to Christ.

I tried to. I tried to meditate on the Bible, on a Psalm, and pray through it. The Word is life, so it should help me through this. God should help me through this. God said He would. He said—

A sheer wall of doubts rushed back in, ready to crush me, and I couldn’t help but think would I be this perpetual disappointment to myself, to others, and to my Heavenly Father. How many times was I going to spiral down this path? I might be His child, but He probably was scowling down at me with disapproval. How could he not? How could He not be disappointed me when I continually sinned against Him?

This weight grew so heavy…and single thought bubbled up inside.

I don’t want to be a Christian.

I choked. Shocked. Horrified. This thought felt distant, foreign, something I would have said years ago at a time when I was at a spiritual low. Yet I had thought it, hadn’t I? Why had I said that? God was the center of my life. How could I utter such a word against my Saviour? After all Jesus had done for me? And God saw that thought. He saw.

How could He forgive me right then and there? God was holy, righteous, and just. Sure, the Bible said I was forgiven, but how many times have I continued to doubt and disbelieve His Word? Why was I still such a doubting believer?

Just repent. Just confess. He forgives.

I didn’t feel forgiven.

All I saw was sin. This bleak darkness that dwelt inside. And I couldn’t escape it. Was this to be my life? It was if something inside me snapped.

“Father,” I whispered. “I can’t do this. I’m slipping and I can’t muster the energy to get back up. Please, help me, for I can’t help myself.” Even as I prayed those words, I became detached within, burying my emotions away, unable to cope with them, unable to see anything but a mountain of disappointment that overshadowed everything else. It felt bigger than God. As I spiraled, a song rose in my mind. When I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast.

Yeah, right. Skepticism and cynicism grasped tightly. Why would He hold me fast? Why would He pull me back when it was I who had allowed myself to fall in the first place? I deserved nothing. I felt like I was running from Jesus and I didn’t know how to stop.

For three days, I didn’t read my Bible. I couldn’t seem to bring myself to.

You who encourage others to read and pray when you don’t feel like it are failing at doing even that? Wow. If they knew. If they knew this side of you. You would disappoint them. Just like you’re a disappointment to your Father in Heaven.

The doubts continued to assail me once again. I was doing everything the opposite of what I thought a ‘perfect and good’ Christian should be doing. My prayers were infrequent and sporadic. Every time I tried to confront my guilt, it felt too burdensome. I knew I was still a child of God, but it seemed that I was neglected. Or at least, that I was one God should rightfully neglect. I didn’t deserve joy. Or love. Not with this rebellious, broken, apathetic mess.

I deserved to be left here.

I deserved to suffer alone.

Yet…I knew…my perspective was skewed. I had even written about this kind of thing before, yet here I was once again seeming to be in the midst of an unbreakable storm, and I couldn’t figure out how to change it…or was it that I didn’t want to change it? Was I holding onto my shame because I felt like this was what I deserved instead of believing what God said about forgiveness?

That night, I came to God, on my knees, weeping in a broken confession, asking for help, and even in that prayer admitting that I didn’t believe He would help me because I truly didn’t believe He would, even if I desperately wanted to.

I would like to say there was a miraculous sense of peace after the prayer, but there wasn’t. There was still so much doubting and frustration within my heart and I could only cling to the hope that God would not abandon me.

At some point, the next day, I decided I needed to use the resources God gave for me. There were believers around me who had proved to be steadfast and true. I phoned someone I knew I could come to without judgment.

As I expressed my struggles and unbelief, even admitting I knew my attitude was sinful, because I knew it was, I listened to her replies as she gently reminded me of God’s promises and then she spoke to be about perfectionism, which she knew I struggled with, and standards we put in front of ourselves that are not from God at all. Especially reminding me that instead of resting in ourselves and our works, we needed to rest in Christ.

I’d heard this before, of course, but those words stood out. I knew they were true, but I still didn’t feel capable of resting or how to even do that. How did I just cast these burdens onto God that clung so tightly? We ended our conversation in prayer and her telling me that she would check up on me later. Again, I would like to say that I bounced back on track after this, but I didn’t. Still, I remained in the gutter, infested with disbelief and stubborn pride.

The next day, she texted me again, telling me she wanted to call. I didn’t want to because I didn’t have any good news to tell her. I still felt the same as before. The podcast she had recommended I listen to hadn’t helped in anyway [so I thought]. When I told her all this, she didn’t get angry or even hint at being discouraged. She remained cheerful and lighthearted, not beating me down about how sinful my attitude was, but rather just giving me encouragement. This honestly surprised me. I had expected rebuke and chastisement because I knew my attitude was wrong, but that’s not how she approached me at all. She met me with what I needed. In gentleness and compassion and understanding.

Later that evening I had a young ladies’ Bible study to attend. I really didn’t want to go. My heart wasn’t into it. But I went anyway. The study itself wasn’t particularly helpful, and I thought that I was going to be stuck yet another night. However, it so happened after almost everyone left, a couple friends stayed around after the study and one of them asked how I was doing. At first, I didn’t want to say anything, but knowing they were solidly grounded in God’s Word and had given me wise council in the past, I decided to give it a shot. “Have you ever dealt with spiritual perfectionism?” For I knew this was the core of my struggle, one I frequently deal with, and clearly hadn’t figured out how to handle it.

They may not have realized the depth of my wrestling over the last few days, but as we talked it through, it was comforting to know that I was not alone. They pointed out that God still loved me and forgave me, even when I continued to fall into sin, and that he gives us the grace to go on in our shortcomings. Lastly, that I needed to rest in Christ and his promises.

To rest in Christ.

Those words rung loud in my ears.

How could I do this?

As I reflected on this, later that night it came together and it hit me. I had built up a standard of what I thought Christian looked like, not necessarily for other people, but certainly for myself, and when I couldn’t reach it, I felt as if I should be disregarded. It was as if I were trying to earn God’s love through all my works. My perfection. I had become too hyper-focused on the little things and had lost sight of who God was.

I had forgotten about the mercy and kindness of Christ, and despite my shortcomings, He still loved me. Nothing I did would make Him love me more or less. Though He is a holy and righteous God who hates sin. He also is a compassionate Saviour who redeemed me from the pits of hell. God wasn’t going to abandon me because I had slipped once again. He wasn’t going to turn on back on someone who cried for help. Just because I had thought of something and felt like a traitor. He wasn’t going to let me go.

As to what I deserve?

Certainly not the abundance of love which He has poured out upon my unfaithfulness. Yet God continues to shower it upon me time and time again. He knows my frame. He knows my weaknesses. He knew everything about me before He saved me, yet God still saved me. He still stretched out His hand toward me knowing that I would sometimes buckle underneath pressure, knowing that I would stumble. He would hold me fast when my faith fails and He will continue to do so each and every day of my life. The one thing I hope to remember from this is that even if I deserve nothing, God loves His children, God loves me, and He will never let me go no matter how hard I fall.

• 

I wake up. I check my phone. A new day begins.

It’s North America. A land where there’s said to be plenty of opportunity, wealth, and, of course, my religious freedom.

Freedom for what, exactly?

A freedom you’ve taken for granted as you neglect to pursue the God you say means the most to you. Isn’t He the one you said you would follow with all your heart, mind, and soul? Or are those just words you’ve repeated because that’s what you have been taught to regurgitate? Because that’s only a name you’ve stapled onto your back because it’s all you’ve ever grown up with?

But it’s not just a name, you protest. It’s not that way at all. You love Jesus. You love God. You would follow Him to the ends of the earth.

Then why does your life show quite the opposite?

What are you talking about, you say? I go to church every week. I go to my youth group, or young adult fellowship. Well, some of you do. Some of you pick and choose what you do. Some of you don’t go for weeks. Some of you don’t go at all, but you’re fine. Who needs accountability? Who needs to be under authority and leadership and become a part of the body of believers… like God designed for the church.

Wait, it is? Where does it say that in the Bible?

Good question. Guess you’d know that if you read and studied the Word. When is the last time you read it, by the way? Yesterday? A week ago? A month? Oh, you can’t remember? Hm. And you said He’s the most important thing in your life?

So when you finally managed to fit Bible reading into your limited schedule of the so-busy life of a North American, with all your glorious freedoms, how long did you read it for? Five minutes? Perhaps a quick skim? Or has it merely become another thing to check off your to-do list.

Oh, wait. Your phone just went off. Better answer that notification before finishing your Bible reading. God doesn’t want your full attention. He’s not a God who’s jealous for his glory. He’s not a God who wants every part of your life. Just a small portion of it, right? He did save you, after all. He understands if you don’t use the freedom to worship Him as you ought. He’s all about love, love, love in North America. We don’t talk about His holiness.

I can’t remember the last time I read about that, even if it is the Word that the Holy Spirit uses to help us grow as children. Wait, sorry. My favorite TV show is on. I need to binge watch it. God won’t mind. I need to relax first with my personal free time… that God gave me to use wisely. He’ll understand that I’m stressed and the Bible… isn’t really cutting for me right now. Or ever, really. I mean, even if it is God’s Word, it’s not like it has what I need to get through the day. I’ll get to it when I’ve got a moment. Oh, wait. I might be too tired to do that after my mind is filled with the temporal entertainment from this world. My bad. I’m sure I’ll be forgiven later.

Am I struggling with something? Maybe. Guess it’s time to start praying about that, cause I haven’t been exactly consistent coming to Him. But Jesus can fix all my problems with my sporadic prayer life. I mean, I’ve been so busy that I haven’t prayed, even if prayer is probably one of the most important things in a Christian’s faith because, after all, Jesus is the one who taught the disciples how to pray. And who can forget that Jesus Christ, our model, the perfect example, prayed to our Father in Heaven. Yet I don’t need to pray like He did to get through life because I’m too busy right now. I’ll just talk to him, as if he were my genie, to solve all my issues with a snap of a finger. Because that’s exactly how prayer works. And if he doesn’t fix that problem according to how I want, then obviously He doesn’t care. What does it mean to pray without ceasing, to give thanks in all circumstances, and to rejoice always? I’m not sure, but I do know I will ONLY be thankful when I get everything I want.

Life’s good in North America.

I don’t really have to live out my faith. I can walk, talk, and look like the world and still call myself a Christian. I’ve got my one-way ticket to heaven. I said a prayer once. I don’t have to live differently than everyone else. I don’t need to speak up about what is true and what is not. That’s what the Bible says. Wait, sorry. We’re NOT be to like the world?

Oh. Well. How can you be sure that’s what it means? God redeemed us for more than just going to heavenly paradise? Well, I don’t know, but I still think going out to participate in activities God’s Word says not to partake in is okay. It’s just a little fun. It won’t hurt anyone. Get off my back. My life is mostly good. It doesn’t matter if I act exactly like the world so that nothing distinguishes me from an unbeliever. It’s not like Jesus radically changes his children’s lives once they become His. I do nice things for people. Seriously. Who are you to judge what I can and cannot do? Who are you to call my lifestyle a sin? Sin. Whoa. We don’t talk about that. We don’t confront our professing Christian friends about that. Who defines what is sin, anyway? The Bible? God? Oh, but I’ll interpret it the way I want to. Rip a verse out of context. Listen to teaching that affirms my point of view, even if contradicts Scripture, because if it doesn’t feel like a sin, how can it be? The Bible doesn’t mention that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, right? We’re not supposed to conform our lives to His Word rather than conform His Word to ours? God certainly doesn’t instruct his children how to live a godly life. There’s no standards. I’ll follow God as I want to.

Wake up, young believer.

Wake up.

If you call yourself a Christian, you call yourself His child, you call yourself a follower, when will you start acting like one? When will you strive to live a life that Christ laid out for you in His Word? When will you pursue righteousness? When will you take the steps to grow in godliness? Take the time to pray. To read. To study the Word. Stop being satisfied with half-truths and lies. Stop letting your mind be spun with the trivial distractions of this world, to the things that lure, entice, and put you to sleep. It’s not that you can’t have fun, but even the good things can become idols, a stumbling block, a hindrance, when you place them before God. Are you growing? Or are you more versed in the latest worldly trends? Are you seeking after the Lord? Or do you forget He even exists as you plug yourself to your social media and hobbies each day?

When we live in a country where we have every opportunity to follow Him, to learn with no restrictions, and we have an endless amount of biblical teaching and resources at the tip of our fingertips, don’t you think we will be held accountable for that?

Yes, we will. Not just you. But me, too. I didn’t write these words because I believe I am so much better. I write these words because I have wasted a good portion of my youth and young adult years not wholly chasing after Christ, and I don’t want to see you do the same. And there are still days when I catch myself idly wasting time when I could be more productive and Christ-focused. So the question is, when will we start following Him like we said we would? I write these words, young believer, as a challenge and encouragement to you, and a reminder, that we need to take our faith seriously. It doesn’t start in five years, or one, not even tomorrow. We start today.

If you don’t wake up now, when will you wake?

• 

Accusing thoughts pound within my head.

You don’t belong.
You’re inadequate. A hypocrite.
They’ll see right through you.
They hate you.
God hates you.

Relentless and unforgiving. They are lies that come unexpectedly. They are contrary to the truth. They come with vicious intent, it seems, to destroy and weigh me down. Even when you can be fully aware of what the truth is, it doesn’t stop the constant back and forth battle of doubts that eventually can pull you into a pool of miry darkness.

It’s hard to fight against something when it’s in your head. You can speak against the lies with the truth, but right away another lie, another doubt, is fired back at you. Draining emotions begin to pile up, making everything more difficult to see clearly, and sometimes you just want to give in. However, allowing these thoughts to fester and grow will rob you of the joy you were meant to have in Christ.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts, it’s hard to pray and read the Bible when your mind and heart tells you to do otherwise. Your brain just wants to tell you it’s not going to help, that God doesn’t care about your suffering, and that you’re just a hypocrite for reaching to Him when your heart feels dead.

Yet I know I can’t let my heart rule my actions in these instances.

A few nights ago, voices sprung up in my mind about how inadequate and fallible I was, how I didn’t belong with my church family, and that how could I even think I deserved to be part of anything good when I was such a failure, such a sinner. My friends had to see me for all my flaws, as I saw myself. How could anyone stand to be around me?

Knowing this way of thinking wasn’t right, but feeling unable to take myself out of it, I reached out to a friend that evening. (With permission, I’m sharing part of our conversation.)

ME: Hey, I just needed to message someone. I came home feeling totally… out of place. I’ve been battling feelings of being “inadequate” and my thoughts continue to accuse me of “not belonging” because of areas that I’m so aware I lack in. And I’m trying to shake the thoughts away, but they’re not leaving.

Like I felt like my mind was accusing me after teaching girls’ group this week. And now I feel like it’s accusing me again this evening. And these thoughts just make me want to run and hide and clam up because I… look at all my flaws and believe this is only what people see. I guess I’m telling you this, because I don’t want to stay trapped in my head.

She responded right away.

FRIEND: You know those thoughts aren’t from God, right?

Those words made me stop and think, because deep down, I knew it was true.

FRIEND: It’s good that you talk about your internal struggles because being so introspective and keeping it to ourselves can lead us to believe lies that have been churning in our minds for a while.

Truthfully, you do belong because you are in Christ. You’re not perfect because you’re still in the flesh. But you are being sanctified! I have only known you for a year and I see your progress and your fruits. I see God working through you so clearly… I know that you don’t see it because you look within and see your sin. But, remember to take ten looks at Christ for every look within and stop believing accusations!!

Even if I already knew everything she had told me, somehow her repeating it to me was like a reaffirmation of the truth, and it helped me to cling to it rather then dwell on the lies and emotions that were telling me to believe otherwise. And as I continued to reason through my internal turmoil with her, the burden started to feel a little lighter because I didn’t feel so alone.

ME: I just see so much sin all the time. I’m so tired of it.

FRIEND: That’s why we need the armor of God. Satan throws accusations at us constantly, but we need to be armed with truth about our state and God’s promises to us.

ME: He’s been throwing them at me this entire month.

FRIEND: That’s what the church is for – to remind you of truth.
The more we are sanctified, the more clear our inward corruption becomes. And it’s so sad because we see how we really are to the core of our being. But at the same time, we know this is not who we are – it’s who we were. It’s our “body of death” and we are truly a whole new person who is being renewed day by day.

ME: How does one “look” to Christ instead of ourselves and sin? What does that look like for you?

FRIEND: For me, it’s remembering the gospel and the righteousness of Christ. It’s SO hard because it’s natural that your mind wants to return to think about how things relate to you. But you have to make a conscious effort to just think of Him. Sometimes I try to imagine Christ on earth and how he probably could have been. I think of how he spoke to people and treated them.

ME: The gospel. I need to dwell on that more.

FRIEND: I tend to go into self-condemnation because by thinking of how good He is, I see my own vileness. But instead, I should ask God to make me more like Christ. We should really be setting our minds on good things anyway, and we ain’t good!

ME: But that’s where I have a problem. I ask, but sometimes I don’t believe he’ll answer for some reason. My faith is so lacking. And I pray about that too

FRIEND: Ask Him to help your unbelief. I literally do it all the time! “I believe, help my unbelief”

These were truths I already knew, but hearing them from outside somehow re-established that I needed to hold onto God’s promises rather than what my mind was trying to tell me. I went to bed that night feeling more at peace.

The next morning, though, it felt as if doubts were creeping back in. Wanting to put into practice what my friend told me, that I needed to focus more on the gospel, I sat down and prayed and then opened my Bible to do my daily reading, which happened to be in John 3.

As I slowly read through it, wanting to make sure I was taking in the Word accurately and trying to get my focus off myself, I came upon the famous Christian passage, John 3:16, and was like, Okay. yes, God loves me.

Then I got to verse 19 which says, “And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.”

For some reason the voice of condemnation slammed itself against me again saying, “Remember what you did?” A vivid memory from years ago washed into my mind, making me feel ashamed. Did I love darkness rather than light? Then it spoke again. “And remember this memory, when you were angry at God, and you had no right to be?“

Guilt flooded through me. Yes…I remembered.

“You think God wants to help you?” It taunted. “You think a holy God loves you? Look at what you’ve done.”

It would have been easy to stay there, wallowing in guilt, listening to that voice, but I knew that wasn’t what the gospel was about. It’s not about me or what I’ve done. My goodness, or lack thereof, has nothing to do with salvation. No one is good outside of Christ. I recalled the conversation with my friend from the night before, and it encouraged me to look Christ rather than myself. So I prayed again, and then decided to re-read the passage.

This time I paused over John 3:16-18, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned…”

If I truly believed the gospel, why was I allowing the voice of condemnation to rule my thoughts? Jesus Christ saved me, he loves me, and he wasn’t condemning me. I needed to remember this rather than continue to remember the things of the past.

Then I read over verse 19 again, “…the light has come into the world, and people loved darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.”

And I paused again to reflect that. too. Yes, there was no doubt I remembered sins I had committed against God, but there was also no doubt in my mind that I did not love sins that I used to love, and there was no doubt in my mind that I hated darkness and wanted to flee from it. Yes, the accusations were correct in saying that I had sinned against a holy God, but it left out an important part. I am forgiven. Christ died for those sins. He freed me from the bondage of death.

Its certainly not easy to do in the moment, but instead of continuing to listen to the voice of condemnation which says, “remember what you did.” We need to turn away from that and focus on remembering what Christ did.

I’m glad my friend reminded me of this, so I hope this reminded you to do that as well.

As I finish this post, I recall a verse from a song called Before the Throne of God Above, which sums up nicely how we can fall into despair because of our sin, but how Christ is the one who took our guilt. He is the one we need to look to. Always.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the Just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

It’s time to get real with you about what it’s like to struggle with a downcast spirit. I’m not claiming I’ve ever dealt with depression, or know what that’s like, but what I have struggled with is days where an emotional darkness seems to pull me under, completely robbing me of joy. Hopefully, I’m able to give you some ways that might help you through it, or if you know a friend who struggles with this, that you will be able to help them, or be able to walk alongside them in encouragement.

If you think this is an easy thing for me to talk about, it isn’t. A few years ago I never would have thought I’d open up about this particular struggle because there is a certain shame and fear that comes along with it. There’s a fear of rejection, of being mocked or ridiculed because aren’t you supposed to be this happy-go-lucky Christian? It felt like a crime to go through these emotions. When I first opened up about it with close friends, often panic set in that I had made the wrong decision because these were friends I had come to love and respect. What if they’ll hate me now that they know this? What if they think I’m stupid? Even if I’ve been assured that would never happen, it was scary being vulnerable and confiding in friends with something that personal.

Despite this not being easy, there’s something that compels me to share my thoughts, and what ways I have been learning to overcome my struggle in this area. It’s not because I’ve figured it all out. It’s not because I’m an expert. There are some days I feel like I can win the battle, and there are days when I fall in defeat. Yet I write about this because I desire to help out others to seek God in the midst of what feels like an unending storm, and if that uplifts at least one person, then it’ll be worth it.

February 28, 2020

The fog has finally lifted. Praise God. I’m not sure why I struggle with having a downcast spirit more than others, but I will — well, hopefully, I will do better next time it comes. This week, I did not do so great. I almost dropped all my Bible reading and devotional time and my prayer life was so choppy and sporadic. It was truly disheartening. Voices of accusation filled my head every time I tried to come before God and nothing seemed to be able to shake the unsettling, unexplainable despair that wrapped itself me like an impenetrable thick cloud. I believe I will experience another bout of “downcast spirit” sometime in the future. It may be months, weeks, or days down the road, but it will return. It comes without warning. It comes viciously and without mercy. It’s a struggle of mine I’ve had since my youth, but I never learned how to deal with it…biblically? Not back then, at least. And I’m still learning how to bring it to God. God may be allowing me to experience these depths of emotions so one day I can help others. Yet it’s SUPER difficult in the moment to think of anyone else but yourself and this particular emotion. All you want to do is shut down and forget the world.

It doesn’t mean you have a terrible life. It’s just…the result of a corrupt world, a corrupt body, I think. We live in a world that groans for the day when everything will be made new. In those dark moments, however, all you can feel is despair and deadness. There’s a part of you that knows there are truths stated in God’s Word, but it is SO HARD to trust in those promises when everything feels so contrary.

My entry stops here, not quite complete in my thoughts, for as I was writing, it suddenly occurred to me that this might be something I want to talk about. At first, I was hesitant, but then felt it was time for gettin’ real with my readers.

First, let me be clear, I have a perfectly good and healthy family and work life. I have an awesome church community and supportive friends. People generally think I am a happy and content person, and that would be a correct assumption. In fact, I am more content and at peace than I ever have been in my life. So you would think there would be absolutely nothing that could cause these waves of emotional turmoil, right? And this is partly was causes me frustration and shame. Why do I experience these intense feelings of sadness, weariness, and discouragement when I have everything I need?

I think there are two variables, which I mentioned earlier in the entry. One, we live in a world corrupted by sin, so by nature, we ourselves are fallen. So we’ll still struggle with a sinful nature. And, two, there’s fact that I dealt with my downcast spirit in a wrong manner for probably nearly a decade. (My word, that long?) Yes, that long. Though I knew I dealt with these emotions, I didn’t know how to break it, or how to get out of it, and I figured maybe this was just the way my life was going to be. I unconsciously based how to live mostly off my emotions. If I didn’t feel like a Christian, then I wasn’t. If I didn’t feel like praying, it meant I shouldn’t. If I didn’t feel like reading the Bible, then that must mean I wasn’t genuine enough. You get the picture. It wasn’t a view based upon God’s Word. When you live in a certain pattern for a long time, you create bad habits, and it becomes a thought process difficult to rewire.

HOW DOES IT BEGIN?

Honestly, I’m not even sure. One day I can be completely fine, reading my Bible, joyfully singing praises, and praying in confidence. Then the next morning I wake up to deep, unsettling waves of sadness that seem to blot out the joy and light that were brightly shining the day before and sometimes there is no explanation at all. Everything becomes so overwhelming and you just want to shut it off, but you can’t. You try to recite verses. You try to remember what truths have been taught, but this sludge doesn’t go away, and then you begin to wonder. Where is God? Why has my joy gone? Did I do something wrong? You scramble to confess, sometimes halfheartedly, as you believe God probably doesn’t want to hear you right now anyway. You try to fight off your nagging doubts. Then this malicious voice, sometimes that doesn’t even feel like your own, seems to creep up with nasty and accusing remarks. These include things such as:

• Jesus doesn’t hear you. He doesn’t care. He’s abandoned you.
• You’ll never overcome this.
• You don’t truly love God, if you did, you wouldn’t struggle so much.
• Hypocrite. You tell others to pray and read their Bible, but you can’t even do that right now. Some example you are.
• How can I come to God when I feel the opposite? My confessions are terrible.
• You’re selfish. All you can think about is yourself.
• You can’t talk to your friends about this. Not again. They’ve heard it before. They’re sick of you and your failures. They won’t say it to your face, but they’ll mock you behind your back, “Wow, why can’t she just get over herself? She’s pathetic.”
• God hates you for your weakness. Why don’t you just give up already?

You may say, well, duh, clearly these are lies. Why would you believe them? Just trust in God. Believe in his Word. Those are easier statements to say than to put into practice. It is true we need to trust in God and believe in his Word, but when your mind is bombarded with lies and you’ve had years where you were unknowingly believing those lies, to say just trust in God, without giving an answer how to do that is pretty discouraging. It is not always easy to follow God and trust in him. Sometimes you really do have to fight for the truth, and God has been graciously and patiently using this as a means of doing that. So what are some ways to combat your unwanted feelings?

WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT – READ YOUR BIBLE AND PRAY

I know. That may not the first solution you wanted to hear, especially when you’re not in the mood. It doesn’t matter. Do it anyway. God doesn’t command us to obey him just when we feel like it.

I honestly don’t remember who I first heard this from, but I’ve been told this by several different friends, and it is pretty solid advice. When I heard this, of course, I was like, “Oh yeah, this totally makes sense. I’ll do that! No problem!” Well, that was a little naive of me. It’s been a hard lesson to learn. When you’re in the midst of a downcast day, words that usually are full life become dull. Then there’s the guilt that, should I really be coming to God when I don’t feel like it? And those lies come tumbling in, making everything unclear and muddled, and your mind whispers, “Are you really sure this is true?”

TRUSTING GOD’S PROMISES RATHER THAN FEELINGS

I’ve probably talked about this before on my blog, and again, this may seem like a no-brainer, yet when the times comes, do we actually trust God rather than our own hearts? What are we supposed to do when a feeling is contrary to God’s Word? First, you need to recognize whether or not it does align with God. When a thought pops up in your head, bringing you down, instead of dwelling upon it, find out what the Scripture says. Is this a thought from God? Is that what he wants me to believe?

For example, one of the lies I listed was that “God doesn’t care and he’s abandoned me.” Yet God says He will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). And David, a man who had many struggles in his life, still trusted that God would not leave him. In Psalm 139 he writes, “Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” David knew and was comforted that God was with him always.

Do this with any lie that enters your mind. Compare it to the Scriptures. When you find that verse or passage, write it down. Put it somewhere you can easily access it. Put it on a sticky note in your bathroom. Write it on a whiteboard. Highlight it in your Bible. Memorize it. Do something that will help you remember where to look for it when that lie pops into your head. Replace the lie with the truth.

Yet I know from experience, despite trying to mediate upon God’s Word and replacing the lies with truth, it still can be a struggle to think clearly. As you saw in my entry, I had a difficult time reading my Bible (which I felt terrible about), and praying was one of the hardest things to do.

DON’T GO THROUGH THIS ALONE

When I can’t seem to find my way through the fog, I tell my friend group what is going on, and I ask for prayer. This is the time you need reminders from your fellow believers of what God’s promises are, what the gospel is, and that God is your fortress and comfort. There’s solace in knowing there are others who can walk beside you in your moment of weakness, without judgment, and who show you Christ-like love when you feel at your lowest. God made it so that we support one another in our weaknesses (1 Thes 5:14), and that we love each other as Christ loved us (John 13:34-34), and we are to follow his example.

I also find it important to continue to attend your regular Sunday service even if you don’t feel like it, and the weekly Bible studies or prayer meetings because often (surprise, surprise) there is something spoken through the preaching, or an encouragement that is shared through friends, that can pull you out of your gloomy mindset. You need your church community. You need to listen to God’s Word faithfully preached. You need to be reminded of God’s truths.

Yet what if this feeling stubbornly clings? What then? Keep holding fast to Christ. Though the fog remains, continue to praise him. Continue to come to him, even though you feel contrary. Though I still struggle with these emotional downturns, I do know it has become easier to deal with them by using some of these means I listed, and that God has been using this particular struggle to help me rely more upon him than myself. God can still use me in his kingdom, and God still loves me, despite my many weaknesses.

In closing, here’s one of the Psalms I like to read through when going through struggles:

Psalm 42:1- 5
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

I never used to write in my Bible, or at least, it was a rare occurrence that I underlined any text. I was always opposed to how the highlighters bled through the page and made it look ugly and discolored.

That view has since changed and now I can’t stop highlighting and I don’t plan to any time soon.

Last summer I was inspired by a couple of friends to start highlighting words and phrases in my Bible. When I saw they were using colored pencils and markers that didn’t seep through the thin paper, and they explained how marking the pages was useful to them, I decided to try some of the techniques for myself. Here’s what I found highlighting has done for me.

It slows down my reading

Why is slowing down helpful? I find it easy, at least for myself, to simply read a passage without putting much thought or effort into it. You read words. One chapter. Two chapters. Three. And the next thing you wonder…what did I just read? Can I even recall one thing that stood out? If learning the Scriptures is essential to my faith, then I shouldn’t be skimming over the pages. There are other ways to retain information other than highlighting, but this is simply one of the ways that has personally helped me pay more attention. Instead of blazing through a chapter without gleaning anything from it, I purposefully search for words, phrases, and themes.

For example, one of the few things that I might intentionally keep an eye out for are verses that mention prayer or thanksgiving simply because these are areas I want to be more mindful of in my Christian life. By pausing to take note of these words, what context they’re used in, it shows me the significance of how believers incorporated these things throughout their lives.

Other things I might pay attention to is repetitious words because that usually indicates that there is an meaningful point being made in the passage. I also look for words that describe the character of God because the Bible is a book about God, and I desire to understand and remember God’s truths as I go about my everyday routine.

Highlighting helps me become familiar with the Word

As I begin to re-read through passages and come across highlights, I recall things I have previously looked up or lessons I may have learned from a sermon or Bible study. Also, there have been several times when friends have messaged me verses I want to remember, and I have begun to make a habit of highlighting the text in my Bible. Words that are highlighted, I find, are more easy to pinpoint. It’s like putting up a mental flag.

We do live in an age of technology, and it might be easy to flip open an app and simply google a phrase and find it that way, which I do sometimes. But there’s honestly something about just reading off my technology, without the distraction of social media, that is really refreshing and helps me focus better. I want to become more acquainted with my Bible, not my phone.

What Color or Method to Use?

Not that this is super important as there are varying ways you can choose to highlight, but I’ll give a few examples of what I’ve seen done, and what I’m currently doing.

I know some who likes using colors for just about anything they find relevant and stands out in the text. I’ve seen a set of highlighters that already have suggested designated colors for themes, so you don’t have to have to come up with your own colors. I also have a friend who merely uses three different color, each representing different things she wants to keep track of, keeping it simple and easy to follow.

I started with only a couple colors, but then it kind of developed into wider range as I wanted to expand themes I was looking for. I don’t particularly have a reason why I chose the colors the way I did, they just ended that way.

Below are a couple passages I highlighted in Philippians 1 and Psalm 86

What I choose to highlight may change in the future, but these are things I’m currently taking note of. Highlighting has really been enjoyable and beneficial. So I suppose this is just a post that if you’ve thought about doing it in the past, don’t be afraid to try it out!